The empty bag

July 17, 2013 by capnmcfish7

Yesterday I had my 18th round of chemotherapy (since January 2013). God willing, today was the last round of chemo I will ever receive. I’m almost afraid to write this because I don’t want to jinx myself. I thought I was done last August after 8 rounds of chemotherapy, when cancer reared it’s ugly head again. I was planning my return to work & the craziness that would ensue once back. Though last July, I felt two lumps in my breast, so even when I was saying chemo was almost done, in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong.

I’m not sure how I feel. I am happy. But I am also apprehensive. I will see Dr. G every month for the next year or so. I will get blood tests done. I will have yearly breast MRI‘s (once the expanders are removed), PET Scans, and chest X-Rays. As time goes on the visits to Dr. G will switch to every 3 months, then every 6 months, then every year. I will be fearful every time I have a new ache or pain or bump or lump somewhere on/in my body. I’ve been through this before, I know what to expect. But regardless of the fear, I will live my life. I will enjoy all the time I spend with friends and family. I will enjoy going to work (for a while at least) because going back to work means that I am normal. I am well.

My journey is far from complete. I still have a couple of surgeries to go. I will probably go with another tissue expander (with implants in the future). I had a talk with Dr. W. He removed about 60 cc’s of fluid last Friday from my right breast pocket. Dr. W will remove the scar tissue that formed (most likely from the radiation). He will place the expander and either Alloderm or some of my own fat cells in the pocket as well. He will also remove some of the radiated skin. (I read that implanting fat cells in the area improves the success rate of implant after radiation therapy). I was seriously considering one of the flap techniques for reconstruction but there appear to be a lot of side effects and the surgeries are long. I don’t want to be under general anesthesia for hours.

It’s 0200 hours and I planned on trying to sleep but I’ve got too much going on in my head to sleep. I will type instead.

I went on a bike ride with Gillian yesterday before chemo. We rode about 10 miles on the Heritage trail. After a few miles, I switched bikes with her. She was falling behind & I knew one of the problems was her bicycle. When you pedal, your leg should be almost straight on the down stroke. Her legs weren’t. I looked at the bicycle seat and saw that it couldn’t be raised any higher. She is 5’10” and I am 5’6″, though her legs aren’t much longer than mine. I found this out while I was riding her bike. I couldn’t extend my legs either. I kept up pretty well until the last two miles. Then I fell behind by about 3 minutes. As soon as we got home, I told Charles that Gillian needed a new bike. Charles took her to get a new bike (and while I was at chemo, he called me and told me to look out the window. He drove by with her new bike, so that I could see it! I got a better look when I got home).

Xavier brought me to chemo. I stopped and picked up some goodies for the nurses and doctors at the chemo center. Cupcakes, cake, cookies, and croissants. I thanked everyone for all their help and I said goodbye to Dr. D. Chemo went alright but my port was a bitch. No blood return so Nurse T had to take blood from my arm! We were at the chemo center for over 5 1/2 hours. When we got home (after stopping at Sam’s Club), Xavier made celebratory scones, using the Tea & Sympathy recipe. They were good, but they didn’t taste as good as T& S Scones. Why????

On Monday, I went to acupuncture. As I have been experiencing neuropathy in both feet and legs. Dr. Shen, placed around 20 needles in my legs and feet (I now have little bruises all over my legs). All told, I had over 40 needles on my legs, feet, abdomen, arms, face, and head. A few more and I would have looked like “Pinhead”. It seems to be helping.

I picked up an ice cream cake and extra “crunchies” for Christian’s 18th birthday. We sang Happy Birthday, he blew out the candles, scarfed down his cake, and left to take his girlfriend to the Drive-In to see a double feature! I had just gotten home from a “Look Good, Feel Better” session at Orange Regional Medical Center that ran a little long.

The session was supposed to go from 5:30 pm-7:30 pm, but we started a little late (partly my fault, ORMC is a new hospital & I went to the wrong location twice before I was directed to the right room). Also, once the session ended, I spoke with a couple of the women who are also undergoing chemo. In addition to the facilitator, Angela Cooper, a former English teacher and licensed cosmetologist, and me, there were three other women at the session. Two of the women, Shelly in treatment for uterine cancer) and Jeannette (in treatment for colon cancer), had just lost their hair recently (Sorry if I spelled the names wrong. Chemo brain). Mine is growing back, though my eyebrows and eye lashes are noticeably thinner. We received a lot of good pointers. Regarding my thinning eyelashes, Angela advised me not to use too much mascara so I wouldn’t call attention to the bald spots or spaces. As for the eyebrows, she advised that pencils aren’t the best for filling out your eyebrows. They just make your brows look fake. Of course if that is the look you are going for, knock yourself out. She used a product called Eyebrow Express, which is like eye shadow for your eyebrows. It worked really well on Shelly and me. I’ve got to pick some up. The other two women had make-up one when they arrived so they didn’t use the products at the session. Angela applied a lot of my make-up. I was the guinea pig. I highly recommend this session to every woman undergoing chemotherapy. I had tried to apply for an earlier session in May but I didn’t receive a response. I should have done this 18 years ago!

The idea behind “Look Good, Feel Better” is simple. If you look good, you Will feel better. Various cosmetic companies (such as Estee Lauder, Mary Kay, Avon, L’oreal, Elizabeth Arden, Maybelline, Olay, Clinique, Revlon, and Biore) supply products and licensed cosmetologists, estheticians, etc facilitate the sessions. They go over skin care, make-up application, nail care, and go into hair care and what you can expect when your hair grows back in. Every participant leaves the session with a make up bag filled with items such as moisturizer, concealer, foundation, blush, face powder, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, and make-up remover. The kits come in light, medium, dark, and extra dark. I went with the light kit, though the only difference with the light and medium kit appeared to be the lipstick shade. The medium kit shade was a bit dark for me. You can find additional information about “Look Good, Feel Better” on the American Cancer Society website.

I still can’t sleep. The typing continues…………………………………………………Last Thursday, I started taking tap dancing lessons again. I haven’t taken tap in over 21 years. I am taking the class with teenagers. (I remember when my mom took dance lessons with me and my sisters when we were teenagers). I kept up. I still remember my flaps, shuffles, flap ball changes, time steps (stamp hop step flap step), pull backs, soft shoe, wings, shuffle off to Buffalo, and flap shuffle hop toe ball change turns………………. and Dr. W, I barely moved my arms so my chest muscles are good. I learned a few new steps. My balance was a little off. That could be chemo or one boob so I’m lopsided related or it could be that I haven’t tapped in heels in ages. We will see.

My throat is still bothering me a bit and I’ve noticed that my voice is starting to crack while singing. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! I love to sing. I must make an appointment with the ENT. I read posts written by other women who have been on Taxotere and have had similar side effects. I hope that that is all it is. My body aches. My face, legs, and feet are tingling. Constipation is a pain. Last week, after chemo, it lasted about 4 days & that is just too long, especially with Metamucil, a stool softener, and Ex-Lax. Thank God that is one side effect that should go away relatively quickly. Chemo Brain, finger nails that are pulling away from my fingers, hair loss, weight gain, and the all too present nausea. Oh the joys of chemotherapy. May I never experience you again.

I AM TIRED & I WANNA GO TO BED. NIGHT ALL. MUCH LOVE.

Pomp and circumstance

June 23, 2013 by capnmcfish7

I went to a family reunion last Saturday. It was nice seeing everybody but by 5 pm, I was exhausted. I can do without the fatigue. It makes me feel less than normal.

Sunday I did the readings at the 10:30 mass. Even though my hair is growing in, I wore a fedora. Charles recommended that I dye my hair to cover the gray as I’ve been unhappy about my appearance (one breast, an extra 20 pounds, etc) and I was unhappy with the result. You would think it would be easy to dye very short hair. Not! I felt like I was coloring my scalp instead of my hair, so some spots were missed. I probably should have gone with dark brown but decided to go for auburn. Hey, it’s something different. By Thursday, my hair was looking halfway decent, so the hat came off. Also, it was too damn hot for a hat. By Friday, I was liking the color.

Monday was spent cleaning the house. It definitely looks much nicer when it’s clean.

I had chemo on Tuesday. Xavier brought me. Charles was working on some things at home. It went OK. The nurse was able to get blood from my port. I took a deep breath and held it! Hopefully that trick will work again next week. I appreciate not having to have my left arm poked for blood draws. The whole ordeal took around 4 hours and change. Xavier and I just hung out together and played video games/read on our respective electronic devices. I was queasy for a couple of days after.

On Thursday, I saw the Police Department surgeon. I see him again on July 25th. He is anxious to get me back to work. Hopefully chemo will be done on July 16th and I will go back to work (light duty). I have time built up so I will probably start working just a few days a week and build myself up. Eventually I will have to go for additional surgery, but I don’t want to consider surgery until after we go on vacation in August. I’d like to have a nice time away & not spend my time recuperating from yet another surgery. I need a break (as does the rest of the family).

On Friday, I took a nice bike ride on a trail nearby. I went from Chester to Goshen, where I stopped and picked up a bike helmet and some water and put some air in my front tire. It was a gorgeous day. I made it back to Chester, (my ass was killing me by then), and discovered that my front tire was flat. Thank God I made it and I didn’t have to walk my bicycle back. I then had to take my bike to another bike shop to get the flat fixed. My body is still hurting from the ride. Real bike riding is definitely different from riding a stationary bicycle (even one that inclines and declines so I can “ride” the Tour de France-Steroids Not included). (See Dr. W, I didn’t involve my chest muscles in my workout… at least not that much, just every other part of my body).

Christian graduated today (now yesterday). The weather was beautiful (though a bit hot). We brought a canopy to the outside ceremony so we didn’t have to sit in the sun. I was still exhausted by the time the graduation was done, probably due to a combination of my aching body and the heat. We all then went out for lunch. It was nice. It will be sad when Christian leaves for school. I vegged out when we got home. I couldn’t sleep though. Too achy. We can’t do a graduation party yet so maybe we’ll have a going away party for him instead.

……Hours later……I’m exhausted and I can’t sleep! Damn neuropathy in my right lower leg, foot, and toes (not to mention the pain and itching in my right shoulder and breast area and the pain under my fingernails). And Damn you Taxotere! Your side affects are driving me nuts. I just took an over the counter sleep medicine. I hope it works. Since I didn’t stay asleep, I stepped outside and took a look at “Super moon“. It was definitely super.

Crew, Chemo, and Curls?

June 5, 2013 by capnmcfish7

I’m sitting on my couch, feeling nauseous, having hot and cold flashes, my face tingling, watching Long Island Medium, and pondering life? after death. I don’t ponder often but I definitely ponder enough. I think that many people who face cancer do the same. When you die do you really hang around and watch over your loved ones? Is that heaven? I guess it would be nice seeing how your family was doing, but bizarre because they are doing it without you. Parts of the show are making me teary eyed. Why do I torture myself?

I had a nice week without chemo (until today that is).

Two weeks ago Christian, Xavier, Gillian, and I went to the Police Self Support Group Dinner Dance. Christian received a scholarship. I had a nice time, though I was very tired. It was the day after chemo, I went for acupuncture and I barely slept. I have some great friends in the PSSG. They help so many people. I really need to get back to the meetings. They’ve help me a lot. I also meet with a group of women I met in a local church who all have or have had cancer. The support I receive is wonderful.

On the 28th, Charles and I went to Chris’ crew race. The day was rainy and crappy but he was able to race. His boat came in 2nd. (I think it was the Orange/Ulster Championship. On June 1st, Chris had his last crew race as a high school student. It was a close race, but his boat came in 2nd. We had a nice time. It was a beautiful sunny day!

On the 30th, I went with Christian and Gillian to the HS awards night ceremony. Gillian got the Geometry award and Christian got the Physics award (for having the highest average in these subjects). I am so proud. Gillian was shocked. When I looked through the program and saw the various awards that were being given, I told her that she was getting the geometry award. She stated that there were a bunch of people who were smarter then she was. Apparently not in geometry!

On the 31st, I saw Dr. W, my plastic surgeon. I was still concerned about my scar but he told me that it is healing nicely. He also stated that he would be removing the scar anyway, so I shouldn’t worry. He also removed over 50 cc’s of clear, yellowish fluid. I see him again in a month or sooner if I need more fluid removed. I already have fluid accumulating and it hasn’t even been a week. I’ll probably be back in another week or so. I’m not sure when we will start the reconstruction again. My skin needs to heal some more first.

I started working out a bit. Charles finished fixing the basement and I have access to my stationary bike. I used it for 3 days now. My lungs weren’t liking it so much the first day. I was doing a little better by day three. Eventually I want to lose about 20 lbs. I didn’t work out today. Chemo was a 5 hour affair again. The nurse couldn’t get blood from my port again. So we tried all the tricks again and none worked. The nurse had to get blood from my right arm. Not fun. She had to dig around a bit to get blood. I HATE THAT! My blood work was fine as were my vitals (blood pressure, temperature, etc).

Yesterday and today, my allergies have been kicking my ass. My eyes have been so itchy and my asthma has been bothering me a bit. Claritin and Benadryl anyone? Xavier took me to my appointment today. It was nice spending time with my oldest child, even though we did our own thing. He had his laptop and I had my Kindle but it was nice just having him around. I miss him when he is away at school. He bought me dinner after. Not feeling it now though. I feel like puking. I took some meds. They took the edge off but I still feel crappy. I actually slept a bit during chemo. The chemo room was so cold. I wrapped myself up in blankets and put a bandanna on my head to keep warm. A woman getting chemo asked where I got the great scarf. I told her that my sister made it and showed it to her. I also told her to check the American Cancer Society’s TLC website as they have lots of head scarves and bandannas. Of course they won’t have the personal touch. Evelyn, your work has been appreciated.

I haven’t been wearing anything much on my head lately because it has been too hot. I’m also starting to let my hair grow in. There are few thinning patches but they aren’t too bad. I’ve also have a lot of gray. Charles said I should color my hair because that might make me feel better, but I’m afraid the chemicals will make the little bit I have fall out. I’ll wait another month or so. I’m not sure what the texture will be like. The first time I lost my hair from chemo, it came back dark and curly. My eyelashes are thinning. I’m not thrilled.

I’m starting to get tired but I don’t think I’ll get much sleep. Still feeling crappy. My left leg is tingling now as well as my face! Oh joy. I can’t wait until all of this is done. It’s been a long year and a half and despite my first paragraph, I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

I know this is not at all related but I was working on my garden this week (weeding). Can someone explain how my beautiful orange gladioli and purple irises changed into white irises? I had such beautiful colorful flowers and they seem to have disappeared. The white irises are pretty but they lack color and I love colorful flowers. Charles fixed the porch (the supporting beams for the overhang were rotting and he replaced them). We bought a few rose bushes and other colorful bushes and placed them on the porch, near my hammock. I bought a few flowers and tomato plants that I still need to transplant. But what happened to my gladioli?