Two weeks ago, I went back to work.  It’s been a while.  It was nice to feel like a normal person again. I decided to take it slow as I completed chemo about a month ago.  I am on limited duty which means I do not go out on the street.  I have a lot of time on the books so for weeks one and two I only worked three days out of five.  I will probably work 3-4 days for the next month or two.  I have reconstructive surgery coming up in October or November (my skin still needs to heal).  Hopefully my chemo brain will be less pronounced by the end of the year.  It was wonderful seeing all the people who work for and with me.  It was also great seeing some old friends.  

With time, I will feel more like my old self.  The first day that I drove home, I had a mini panic attack driving into the Lincoln Tunnel.  Never had that before.  My heart started racing & I was ready to jump out of my car.  I took my seat belt off, turned on the AC full blast, opened my window, and told myself to “just breathe”.  I repeated “just breathe” over and over.  After a minute or so, my heart rate slowed and I calmed myself down.  I eventually made it through the tunnel.

I saw my oncologist & mentioned my tunnel issue.  He stated that I could be associating the tunnel with MRI’s and Pet Scans & my cancer diagnosis.  

I saw the World Trade Center monitoring doctor & she said it could be PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  Who knows?  But the WTC doctor recommended I speak with one of their social workers.  I said that I would.  It can’t hurt and it may help.  (The WTC doctor said that they will get in touch with me).  

I didn’t take the tunnel again until this past Wednesday night.  I wanted to wait until there was no traffic to see how I’d do.  I turned onto 30th street from 10th ave & entered the tunnel bypass.  As I got closer to the tunnel, I noticed some traffic.  It was sort of heavy but moving.  I got a little hot, but my heart didn’t race.  I told myself that it was all good & made my way through the tunnel without incident..  Amen! I didn’t want to have to limit myself to taking bridges into NYC.  

I can’t wait until I am “me” again.  

Our week at the Little Pink Houses of Hope retreat continued.  Wednesday morning, Gillian and I biked around 12-15 miles and eventually headed to the morning activity at the Western Park Community Center.  The ride there was rather harrowing.  We had to ride over a steep bridge to get there.  I was proud that we were able to make it over the bridge without stopping.  We made it to the Community Center and to the “Paint Your Heart Out” activity.

We were taught how to paint a pretty seascape.  Lunch followed at the Community Center. All of the survivors were given gift baskets.  It was so nice and unexpected.  Gillian and I cycled back to our beach house (over the bridge again) and we waited for Christian and Charles to get back from the beach.  They had gone jet skiing.

We relaxed for a couple hours and later that night we headed to the NC Aquarium.  All of the Little Pink families enjoyed dinner in front of the large fish tank.  We also had a private tour of the aquarium.  We had a wonderful time.  On the way back to the beach house, we stopped at Ben & Jerry’s for ice cream cones.  All of the families received gift certificates for ice cream.   Yum.  Chocolate chip cookie dough on a waffle cone!!!!

Thursday started as a rainy day.  The morning activity was supposed to be pier fishing followed by lunch on the pier but it was cancelled due to rain.  The pier fishing was rescheduled for later in the afternoon but we had  already planned to go to the movies to see “Wolverine” Thursdays lunch was sandwiches from Quiznos delivered by the Volunstars.

After we got back from the movies, we spent a little while on the beach.  When we returned from the beach, Charles & I got ready for “date night”.  The adults all went to Portofino‘s for dinner.  Charlie & his girlfriend joined us.  Jeanine showed up later.  We ended up putting the tables together & shared the meal.  By 8 pm, I was exhausted (as usual) .  I wish I wasn’t so tired, it would have been nice to spend more time chatting with the other survivors.

The reminder of the Volunstars were with the kids.  All of the kids went to MacDaddy’s for bowling and mini-golf.  They had a good time.  

We got up bright and early this morning and drove down to the Bronx.  We drove onto the Maritime College campus at about 0800 hours on this beautiful, sunny day.  At about 0810, we made our way to the A & B company dorms & stopped near the front of the building and removed Christian’s things from the trunk.  We deposited his dufflebag, fan, & lamp on the sidewalk (the remainder of his supplies had already been purchased at the Ship’s store) while Christian, wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and sneakers, went to stand on the check-in line at the front door of the dorm building.

The assistant commandant came around to each of the parents lingering on the sidewalk and greeted us.  Shortly thereafter, a young man in a Maritime sweatshirt and shorts told us in a rather nice way, to leave in order to make room for the other students arriving.  When we left, Christian was still standing on line, talking to the people, mostly young men, in front of and behind him.  These will be the people he will be spending the next four years with.  New friends, new directions.  When we return in two weeks for his Indoctrination graduation, he will be wearing a uniform.  The uniform of a Maritime Regimental Cadet.  He will have another uniform as well.  That of a member of the Strategic Sealift Officer Program.  The shorts, crazy T-shirts, earrings, big rimmed baseball caps, and low slung pants, will be gone.

As we get ready to leave, I catch another glimpse of the Empire State VI, the ship Christian will be spending part of the next four summers in, learning and earning his Coast Guard engine license, and visiting foreign ports.

My second son, one of my babies, born on the hottest day in July, 18 years ago, has become a wonderful young man.  I am so proud and I will miss him while he is gone.

On Saturday July 27th at about 2300 hours (11 pm) we began our trip down to Emerald Isle, NC.  We packed up the car and Charles, Christian, Gillian, and I started our trip to North Carolina.  Unfortunately Xavier couldn’t come with us.  It was a long and tiring trip.  Though Charles drove, I barely slept.  At around 11 am, we arrived in Fayetteville, for a couple hour visit with Charles’ cousin and family.  We then drove about 3 more hours to Emerald Isle.

We arrived at the Emerald Isle Baptist Church at around 4 pm on Sunday.  Five other families arrived at about the same time. We met the volunteers (or volunstars as they are called), who would be with us for the week.   Debbie, Ted, Amy, Mike, Sherry, Toni, and Danielle (intern).  We also met the founder of Little Pink, Jeanine & our Retreat Director, Charlie.  Our family Volunstar was Debbie.  After filling out some paperwork and receiving some instructions, Debbie escorted us to the beach home we would be staying in for the week.

The home was about a block and a half from the beach and it was lovely.  There were four bedrooms and two bathrooms and below the home there was a beautiful patio (& outdoor shower to wash the sand off from beach excursions).  We started unpacking, showered, changed our clothes, and then headed back to the Emerald Isle Baptist Church for dinner.  There we got to know the other families a little better. After dinner, one member from each family was chosen to tell everyone else a little about their family.  We also learned a little bit about the Volunstars.  After a long and exhausting day, we headed back to the beach house to get some much needed rest.  Though we took a quick walk to the beach first. We woke up Monday morning and Charles & Christian went on a bike ride together.  Gillian and I also went bike riding but we left later than the boys.  There is a nice bike/running trail on Emerald Isle.

We returned to our beach house and got our bathing suits on and headed over to the Western Regional Beach Access to meet up with all of the other families and volunstars for beach games.  Charles & I spoke to the other parents and volunstars, while the kids hung out and played games with the each other.  Throughout the week I spoke with Connie, Connie, Dawn, Jennifer, and Katrina (the other breast cancer survivors).  Unfortunately, Debbie broke her wrist that morning (& the next day got a bright pink cast!!).  After games, we ate lunch under a pavilion right off the beach.  We headed back to our beach house and relaxed for a bit.

Later on in the day, we went back to the Emerald Isle Baptist Church for dinner.  It was Mexican night.  I think Chris ate around 12 tacos.  The food was good but the company was better.  After dinner, we had family game night. The families broke up into two groups and played two different games.  I can’t remember the names of the games we played but it was fun.   All in all, it was a very enjoyable evening but by 8 pm, I was wiped out.

Tuesday was a busy day.  The first activity of the day was Stand Up Paddle boarding.  We had a great group of guys teaching us to paddle board.  I thought I would stink at it but I was OK.  I had a great time.  Chris & I enjoyed it but Gillian and Charles, not so much. My balance hasn’t been very good since I started chemo, so Charles didn’t expect that I’d do as well as I did.  I think I spent an hour and change on the paddle board.

After paddle boarding, we had lunch at the Chapel by the Sea.  Once again the food was good.  (I ate way too much dessert!!).  After lunch, we headed back to the beach house and Gillian & I spent a little time at the beach.  While the other families went to the Volunstar house for Italian night & crabbing, the four of us took a sight seeing drive and then went to a pizzeria for dinner.

To be continued… I’ve got to get to bed.  We are dropping Chris off at school bright and early tomorrow.