Yesterday I had my 18th round of chemotherapy (since January 2013).  God willing, today was the last round of chemo I will ever receive.  I’m almost afraid to write this because I don’t want to jinx myself.  I thought I was done last August after 8 rounds of chemotherapy, when cancer reared it’s ugly head again.  I was planning my return to work & the craziness that would ensue once back.  Though last July, I felt two lumps in my breast, so even when I was saying chemo was almost done, in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong.

I’m not sure how I feel.  I am happy.  But I am also apprehensive.  I will see Dr. G every month for the next year or so.  I will get blood tests done.  I will have yearly breast MRI‘s (once the expanders are removed), PET Scans, and chest X-Rays.  As time goes on the visits  to Dr. G will switch to every 3 months, then every 6 months, then every year.  I will be fearful every time I have a new ache or pain or bump or lump somewhere on/in my body.  I’ve been through this before, I know what to expect.  But regardless of the fear, I will live my life.  I will enjoy all the time I spend with friends and family.  I will enjoy going to work (for a while at least) because going back to work means that I am normal.  I am well.

My journey is far from complete.  I still have a couple of surgeries to go.  I will probably go with another tissue expander (with implants in the future).  I had a talk with Dr. W.  He removed about 60 cc’s of fluid last Friday from my right breast pocket.  Dr. W will remove the scar tissue that formed (most likely from the radiation).  He will place the expander and either Alloderm or some of my own fat cells in the pocket as well. He will also remove some of the radiated skin.   (I read that implanting fat cells in the area improves the success rate of implant after radiation therapy).  I was seriously considering one of the flap techniques for reconstruction but there appear to be a lot of side effects and the surgeries are long.  I don’t want to be under general anesthesia for hours.

It’s 0200 hours and I planned on trying to sleep but I’ve got too much going on in my head to sleep.  I will type instead.

I went on a bike ride with Gillian yesterday before chemo.  We rode about 10 miles on the Heritage trail.  After a few miles, I switched bikes with her.  She was falling behind & I knew one of the problems was her bicycle.  When you pedal, your leg should be almost straight on the down stroke.  Her legs weren’t.  I looked at the bicycle seat and saw that it couldn’t be raised any higher.   She is 5’10” and I am 5’6″, though her legs aren’t much longer than mine.  I found this out while I was riding her bike.  I couldn’t extend my legs either.  I kept up pretty well until the last two miles.  Then I fell behind by about 3 minutes.  As soon as we got home, I told Charles that Gillian needed a new bike. Charles took her to get a new bike (and while I was at chemo, he called me and told me to look out the window.  He drove by with her new bike, so that I could see it!  I got a better look when I got home).

Xavier brought me to chemo.  I stopped and picked up some goodies for the nurses and doctors at the chemo center.  Cupcakes, cake, cookies, and croissants.  I thanked everyone for all their help and I said goodbye to Dr. D.  Chemo went alright but my port was a bitch.  No blood return so Nurse T had to take blood from my arm! We were at the chemo center for over 5 1/2 hours.  When we got home (after stopping at Sam’s Club), Xavier made celebratory scones, using the Tea & Sympathy recipe.  They were good, but they didn’t taste as good as T& S Scones. Why????

On Monday, I went to acupuncture.  As I have been experiencing neuropathy in both feet and legs.  Dr. Shen, placed around 20 needles in my legs and feet (I now have little bruises all over my legs).  All told, I had over 40 needles on my legs, feet, abdomen, arms, face, and head.  A few more and I would have looked like “Pinhead”.  It seems to be helping.

I picked up an ice cream cake and extra “crunchies” for Christian’s 18th birthday.  We sang Happy Birthday, he blew out the candles, scarfed down his cake, and left to take his girlfriend to the Drive-In to see a double feature!  I had just gotten home from a “Look Good, Feel Better”  session at Orange Regional Medical Center that ran a little long.

The session was supposed to go from 5:30 pm-7:30 pm, but we started a little late (partly my fault, ORMC is a new hospital & I went to the wrong location twice before I was directed to the right room).  Also, once the session ended, I spoke with a couple of the women who are also undergoing chemo.  In addition to the facilitator, Angela Cooper, a former English teacher and licensed cosmetologist, and me, there were three other women at the session.  Two of the women, Shelly in treatment for uterine cancer) and Jeannette (in treatment for colon cancer),  had just lost their hair recently (Sorry if I spelled the names wrong.  Chemo brain).  Mine is growing back, though my eyebrows and eye lashes are noticeably thinner.  We received a lot of good pointers.  Regarding my thinning eyelashes, Angela advised me not to use too much mascara so I wouldn’t call attention to the bald spots or spaces.  As for the eyebrows, she advised that pencils aren’t the best for filling out your eyebrows.  They just make your brows look fake.  Of course if that is the look you are going for, knock yourself out.  She used a product called Eyebrow Express, which is like eye shadow for your eyebrows.  It worked really well on Shelly and me.  I’ve got to pick some up.  The other two women had make-up one when they arrived so they didn’t use the products at the session.  Angela applied a lot of my make-up.  I was the guinea pig.  I highly recommend this session to every woman undergoing chemotherapy.  I had tried to apply for an earlier session in May but I didn’t receive a response.  I should have done this 18 years ago!

The idea behind “Look Good, Feel Better” is simple.  If you look good, you Will feel better.  Various cosmetic companies (such as Estee Lauder, Mary Kay, Avon, L’oreal, Elizabeth Arden, Maybelline, Olay, Clinique, Revlon, and Biore) supply products and licensed cosmetologists, estheticians, etc facilitate the sessions.  They go over skin care, make-up application, nail care, and go into hair care and what you can expect when your hair grows back in.  Every participant leaves the session with a make up bag filled with items such as moisturizer, concealer, foundation, blush, face powder, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, and make-up remover.  The kits come in light, medium, dark, and extra dark.  I went with the light kit, though the only difference with the light and medium kit appeared to be the lipstick shade.  The medium kit shade was a bit dark for me.  You can find additional information about “Look Good, Feel Better” on the American Cancer Society website.

I still can’t sleep.  The typing continues…………………………………………………Last Thursday, I started taking tap dancing lessons again. I haven’t taken tap in over 21 years.  I am taking the class with teenagers.  (I remember when my mom took dance lessons with me and my sisters when we were teenagers).  I kept up.  I still remember my flaps, shuffles, flap ball changes, time steps (stamp hop step flap step), pull backs, soft shoe, wings, shuffle off to Buffalo, and flap shuffle hop toe ball change turns………………. and Dr. W, I barely moved my arms so my chest muscles are good.  I learned a few new steps.  My balance was a little off.  That could be chemo or one boob so I’m lopsided related or it could be that I haven’t tapped in heels in ages.  We will see.

My throat is still bothering me a bit and I’ve noticed that my voice is starting to crack while singing. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!  I love to sing.  I must make an appointment with the ENT.  I read posts written by other women who have been on Taxotere and have had similar side effects.  I hope that that is all it is.  My body aches.  My face, legs, and feet are tingling.  Constipation is a pain.  Last week, after chemo, it lasted about 4 days & that is just too long, especially  with Metamucil, a stool softener, and Ex-Lax.  Thank God that is one side effect that should go away relatively quickly. Chemo Brain, finger nails that are pulling away from my fingers, hair loss, weight gain, and the all too present nausea.  Oh the joys of chemotherapy.  May I never experience you again.

  I AM TIRED & I WANNA GO TO BED.  NIGHT ALL.  MUCH LOVE.